Never Get Laid #1

In honor of the fabulous 'fros of Mohammed Yone and Carlito ... behold the first edition of Fro Picks!

1) Hollywood Hogan vs. Lex Luger (WCW Nitro – 8/4/97) – 5

Hogan dominated most of the match and let Luger get some offense in here and there. Hogan’s posturing and preening during the early stages of the match made me wince. Once Luger gained the offense, there was a massive n.W.o. run-in from Hall, Nash, and Savage with Luger fighting all of them off in order to get Hogan in the torture rack and win the title. Yes, you read that right. Lex Luger beat Hulk Hogan by submission on free TV to win the WCW Title. The actual match was the shits but it gets a bonus point for historic significance. Hogan would regain the title five days later at the Road Wild PPV.

2) Ric Flair vs. Randy Savage (WWF Prime Time Wrestling – 9/14/92) – 4
Right off the bat, Savage is selling the knee injury from SummerSlam 92. Flair spends the majority of the match working over said body part with occasional help from Mr. Perfect. The story of the match seemed to focus around Savage’s knee with the main question being “can he successfully defend the WWF Title with a torn up knee?” The answer would be … um … no! The moment Savage turns the match around, Razor saunters to the ring and aids in assisting Flair’s cause. Flair held the figure-four on Savage for somewhere around three minutes before Savage “passed out from the pain” and his shoulders were counted down. Flair gets the WWF Title for a second time but would lose it to Bret about a month later. Savage’s constant over-selling and the slow pace of the match really hurt the score.

3) The Dynamic Dudes vs. Cactus Jack Manson & Lee Scott (WCW TV – 1/13/90) – 2
Jack was nothing more that a jobber with talent at this point. This was a pleasant treat because of the extreme rareness of a very early Foley match from WCW. The Dudes, which consisted of Johnny Ace and Shane Douglas, were mad over but they would eventually turn to suck. Jack spent most of the match yelling at his partner and beat the shit out of him after the match for losing. One point for the match and one point for Jack kicking the ever-loving piss out of Scott afterwards.

4) The Fabulous Freebirds vs. Brad Armstrong & Tim Horner (WCW TV – Early 1991) – 3
This is one of only a few matches on here I couldn’t find an exact date for. I know it’s from early 1991 because it’s for the tag belts which the Freebirds won at Wrestle War 91 from Doom. Anyway, this was your basic Freebirds match with Hayes doing lots of stalling and Garvin doing the work. Armstrong stuck around WCW until just about the end and Horner had a run as a heel in Smoky Mountain. This was given more time than the previous match from WCW TV but still loitered around the area of “blow” and “suck” on the scale.

5) Kevin Von Erich vs. Michael Hayes (World Pacific Wrestling TV – Mid 1980s?) – 2
I have absolutely no idea on the date on this one. The only thing I could gather from watching it was that it had to be from the mid-80s because Hayes was still wrestling in short trunks. Both guys ran the ropes very delicately because they were so loose. The single camera angle was so terrible I had trouble telling what was going on when the action went outside the ring. From what I was able to tell, though, things were kept pretty simplistic. These guys are capable of so much better.

6) Terry Taylor vs. Matt Borne (WCCW on ESPN – 2/26/88) – 4
Ah yes, late 80s World Class, when nothing but drunks, derelicts, and the occasional wrestling fan were the only people able to find their way into the hallowed halls of the famed Sportatorium. Both guys came across pretty generic and didn’t really deliver anything out of the ordinary. There really isn’t anything to see here unless you’re a mega-fan of World Class otherwise I’d say skip this one because both guys have had way better matches. It seemed to me as if they were just going through the motions here.

7) Mike Rotunda vs. Jimmy Garvin (NWA World Championship Wrestling – Early 1988) – 0
Early 1988 is the best I can do on a date for this one. The match itself never actually got started as Kevin Sullivan grabbed Garvin’s valet, Precious, and then beat the holy hell out of Garvin and broke cinderblocks over his leg. Damn! Afterwards, all the faces come out to assist Garvin, including Sting who was sporting a ridiculous outfit that featured bright orange short-shorts.

8) Brutus Beefcake vs. Tom Burton (WWF Superstars – 8/27/88) – 1
Beefcake’s favorite vegetable must be squash because that’s all that this was. Burton was over-powered, over-matched, and under-educated for this. For his finisher, Beefcake must’ve chosen the easiest move he could find. Ron Bass runs in and destroys Beefcake while he has the sleeper on his hapless victim. Bass slices Beefcake with a spur and a giant red “X” with the word “censored” appears on the screen. One point for the Beefer juicing, everything else was crap.

9) Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw vs. David Haskins (WWF Superstars – 10/27/96) – 2
Bradshaw destroys Haskins with sheer brutality in about three minutes. Remember what I said before about vegetables? Good, because that’s what Bradshaw turned Haskins into. Two points for Bradshaw just being himself.

10) Jerry Lynn vs. Taka Michinoku (WWF Friday Night’s Main Event – 8/29/97) – 5
A very rare Jerry Lynn WWF match. This is back when the WWF was trying to start up the light-heavyweight division to counter WCW. The problem was they paid attention early on but then de-emphasized it to where it was the main title being defended on the long forgotten Jakked. The match itself features a super-cool springboard plancha by Taka and nice ending sequence. It was nice to see that the WWF cared about the light heavyweights at one time.

11) Kerry Von Erich vs. Al Perez (WCCW on ESPN – 3/6/88) – 4
This is another bout from the waning days of World Class. Perez is your generic 80’s heel while Kerry is still mad over with most of the coherent crowd who bothered to find their way into the Sportatorium that day. The announcer is a total shill machine by constantly reminding the viewers of show dates, big matches, and where to get tickets for said event. Anyway, these guys spend roughly 15 minutes doing absolutely nothing except for headlocks, punching, and brawling on the floor. At the end, Kerry wins the WCCW Title and celebrates in the ring while Perez goes to the back to get his daily succubus.

12) The Nacho Man vs. The Huckster (WWF WrestleMania XII Pre-show – 3/31/96) – 1
This was the culmination of the wacky Billionaire Ted skits that appeared toward the end of 1995 and early 1996. Vince and Lawler take shots at Hogan, Savage, Okerlund, and Ted Turner. At the end, Vince utters “watcha gonna do when Billionaire Ted’s wrestlers croak on you.” Good stuff. One point for the comedy value.

13) The Body Donnas vs. The Godwinns (WWF WrestleMania XII Pre-show – 3/31/96) – 5
I’ve been seeking this bout out for a while now as it seems to be hard to find in certain circles. To say any of the competitors were well versed in complicated moves, save for Candido, would be a laughable statement. The Godwinns worked the power game and Dr. Tom worked armbars. Candido held his own and at the end Sunny used her assets to distract Phineas and win the titles for the Body Donnas. I can’t really justify the score on this one, except for the fact that I felt generous.

Most of these bouts are admittedly pretty lame. The Lynn/Taka match and the Hogan/Luger match I would recommend on the sheer fact of their rarity. Everything else is pretty much a waste.