1. La Legión Extranjera (Sexy Star/Angelina Love/Mickie James/Velvet Sky) vs. Mari Apache/Fabi Apache/Lolita/Cynthia Moreno - B: 5 A: 4
Brian: It starts out shambolic and chaotic but James seemed at home pouncing and pounding on opponents. I read the Beautiful People thought Mari was working too stiff with them: it's not ballet, girls! James looked actively good here and honestly would be a fitter here in AAA than stateside. Fabi overshoots a somersault off the top on Angelina by a half-foot. Lolita's had some decent TV bouts this year and had some nice moments in this. Mari did crush Love with a Thesz Press off the apron onto the floor. Mickie did an Iron Claw to Fabi's vagina then kissed her recalling the feud with Trish Stratus years ago. Then it was the Mickie-DT for the finish. I got a feeling I may like this more than Adam but I thought it was fun as hell like an old, rickety amusement park ride you don't know if you'll survive or not.
A: Brian’s right, he did like this more than me, although this was better in parts than I expected. I though this was one of Mickie’s best performances since the middle of her WWE run. Her TNA stuff has reeked of familiarity, as did most of her WWE stuff in the post the Trish feud. Lolita was very impressive I thought and I’d like to see more of her. The dive sequence to the outside had some careless moments, like when Mary Apache landed and no one caught her. The spot where Mickie was supposed to kick the ref came off bad. Velvet and Angelina were pretty much non-existent in the match and they few times they participated felt like the same thing seen on Impact every week.
2. Heavy Metal/Electroshock/Joe Lider vs. Ultimo Gladiador/Chessman/Silver Cain - TLC Match - A: 3 B: 2
A: Sure didn’t take long for them to start doing dangerous ladder spots. I have to give Lider some credit, as awful as I think he is, he took two nutty bumps and a hell of a beating during the first half of this that ripped his forehead open. So much different stuff going on here that it’s really hard to keep track. Nicho makes an appearance halfway through the match and get hauled off by security shortly after. This is the definition of a “garbage match” and you could replace any of the competitiors here with any other people and you would have gotten the same results.
Brian: At first I couldn't tell what I was even seeing, felt like I'd taken some psychedelics like yage with Allen Ginsberg. I liked Lider racking his testicles on the ladder because it will prevent the possibility of a Joe Lider Jr. I was hoping the "C" in "TLC Match" stood for churros. Nope. It's almost as if the production crew want us to hate this match as their choppy editing causes us to completely miss several of the big bumps. If a man jumps off of a tree through a table in the middle of desolate woods did it really happen? Let's get existential because this match sure as hell isn't doing much for me.
3. Los Bizarros (Cibernético/Billy el Malo/Charly Manson/Escoria) vs. El Inframundo (La Parka/Dark Ozz/Drago) and Octagón - B: 2 A: 2
Brian: Didn't Charly Manson just maim a cop or something? And to think I still see his lonely action figure on a peg at Toys 'R Us. The Marilyn Manson fetishism of the Los Bizarros squad would have been a perfect fit in '97 but feels mediocre in '11. If I saw Dark Ozz's in a dark alley I'd probably evacuate my bowels on the pavement. Clearly I spoke too soon as Drago is a full-blown demon-like dragon and is nightmarish in every conceivable way. I ponder how he'll sell an armdrag. I feel like I'm playing shitty game Beast Wrestler for the Sega Genesis instead of watching actual professional wrestling. Octagón's so bloated he looks like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float. Why does Drago's make-up and costume design look better than Green Goblin did in those shitty Raimi Spider-Man flicks? People are standing around and milling about like they're waiting for the doors to open at a concert. Parka went from the main event last year so some trifling ass mid-card waste. Somebody get Octagón a bra. They do that stupid angle like when Raven kidnapped Sandman's ugly kid and had him plead on the mic on for Parka to get pinned by a lousy chokeslam.
A: Good to know that I’m not the only one who though those Spider-Man films were lame. Drago is one of the strangest people I’ve ever seen and looks like he’d be the perfect person to portay a demented creature from Hell in a horror film. Does anyone in this matc actually give a shit? Not only is Octagon more round than a watermelon, it looks like he stole Ray Traylor’s old Guardian Angel outfit. The suidice dive was the only worthwhile thing he did the whole match. Finish was just terrible as Brian described and had terrible acting from La Parka and about as much emotion as Michael Myers does when stalking someone.
4. Extreme Tiger/Jack Evans vs. Mr. Anderson/Abyss - Steel Cage Match - A: 3 B: 3
A: On paper, this sounded like fun but in reality it was about as fun as a colonoscopy. Abyss looked more lethargic and sloth like than usual, just throwing really bad looking punches and standing there like a complete fool while getting in place and waiting for Extreme Tiger to do a giant dive off the top of the light rigging. Anderson was on complete auto-pilot. Were the hell did the bag of thumbtacks come from? I swear if I see another contrived Abyss thumbtack spot, I’m going to puke. Evans looked the best out of all those involved but that’s not saying much. I still don’t get the weird booking where if you’re the first guy out of the cage, it leaves your partner at a complete disadvantage.
Brian: Never thought I'd see Anderson bumping around for Evans' spastic shit. Jack leaping off of the lighting grid with about a 20-ft. drop was certifiably insane and him bouncing off of Abyss and hitting the mat felt like it belonged on Faces of Death. Abyss' thumbtack bump seemed tacked on (pardon the pun). It was nice seeing the TNA guys (two of their former World champs) putting over the smaller AAA guys.
5. Los Perros del Mal (Damián 666/Halloween/X-Fly) vs. Los Psycho Circus (Monster Clown/Murder Clown/Psycho Clown) - B: 6 A: 5
Brian: Los Perros start off in control but then get outsmarted by the mischievous clowns. Saw a lot of Halloween in WCW as Ciclope recently and am a huge fan. They use a giant barrel they must have stolen from the first stage of Double Dragon. Could Los Psycho Circus be this generation's Fabulous Freebirds? Damián takes a big bump on the entrance ramp for a press slam. One of the clowns gives Damián a suplex off of the stage onto a table covered in "electrical equipment" so we get sparks and smoke and destruction, we've seen WWE do this countless times but it's usually mawkish and tame, but came off as a cool visual here. X-Fly breaking his spine on a somersault off the top hitting only floor and a garbage can was fun. Halloween gave one of the Clowns a Death Valley Driver off of the top onto some gruesome construction of tables, cans, chairs, and boards for the win finally ending the misanthropic reign of the clowns. I might be overrating this a touch but had a blast watching it, felt chaotic in the best possible way, like some sort of outrageous brawl I would have acted out with my action figures as a kid.
A: I love a wild, weapons filled brawl and while this definitely filled that niche, I don’t feel that it really warrants a recommended score. The evil clowns looked like they just walked out of the cult classic “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”, complete with a crazy looking midget for a sidekick! Obviously unprotected chair shots to the skull aren’t outlawed in Mexico because I saw a few here that were quite nasty looking. The spot with the electrical equipment was a cool visual but on the replay, you could see the trigger on the trap door to set off the pyro. That X-Fly bump was nuts and the giant concoction Halloween constructed at the Death Valley Driver was pretty cool.
6. El Zorro vs. Jeff Jarrett - A: 3 B: 2
A: I could not get into this at all. It felt to me like it had the exact same structure that every heel Jarrett match does and when given the right opponent that’s ok. But here, Zorro was not the right opponent as he was pretty much as bad as Jarrett. The stuff with Karen distracting the ref and Jarrett using weapons to cheat was just awful. The shitty belt shot spot, a staple of title matches that Jarrett is involved in, took forever to set up. I don’t even recall either guy taking a single bump. There was nothing here to even like.
Brian: I remember being a librarian's aide in junior high and the old librarian lady telling me that while men (or teenagers) are experiencing our sexual high at that age (in terms of thinking about, desiring it, enjoying it, etc.) women didn't until their 30's. Now that I stop to think about it I'm not sure why she was having that conversation with me. That aside, I bring it up as Jeff's got Karen at ringside, and she certainly looks the type that'd do taboo shit in the bedroom to add some excitement to their love life, i.e. if Jeff wanted her to bring back some of Mexican men in attendance for a barrio influenced gangbang scene she'd comply willingly. I hope the NBA players strike ends soon so the season can start as originally scheduled. See, these are the sort of things that pass through my mind when a match is so one-note. Some inexplicable shit: Jeff's been ploddingly controlling for some time when he busts out a back suplex, but he stays down too, leading to a momentarily double countdown which is so odd as why was Jeff flat on his back playing dazed there? Was he just gassed? I was surprised when Zorro kicked out after the shot with the title belt, I figured they were just going to put this horse down for sympathy there but instead we got chairs, powder, a guitar, kendo stick, and other gimmickry. This was lazy, uninspired dreck.
7. L.A. Park vs. El Mesias - Mask vs. Hair Match - B: 7 A: 6
Brian: This started off chaotic with a wild brawl on the floor, mere minutes in and Park gave a bloody Mesias a powerbomb off the apron onto a table, to paint the picture. I think L.A. Park would be a great stencil for Banksy to start putting up all over London. They drag a mangled table into the ring but shouldn't have, it's pretty thin, like Jimmy Rave's wallet these days, and doesn't look like it'd hurt any more than bumping onto the big cardboard box left from that appliance your family got at Christmas but inexplicably left lying around out back near a pile of leaves you one day just decided to do a Shawn Michaels elbow off of the back porch railing onto. A suplex out on the ramp calls to mind Booker T vs. Rock in the worst way. Park's masked is torn, ripped, and bloody like Francine's panties post-ECW show after-party. Funny seeing a fan in the front row holding up a Park poster that looked like it was taken at Sears Portrait Studio. Park's waistline is looking rather pudgy, that's not Matt Hardy under there, right? Don't want Val Venis endangering anyone else's lives on the freeway while making any more vlogs on his cell phone. Park setting up a table in the ring just to dance on it was rather silly but lead to the cool spot of Mesias diving off the top with a Spear driving Park through the balsa. Now this should have been the main event, two of AAA's own, bringing the hate, violence, and drama. My only complaint is the match-ending brass knuckles shot looked like it whiffed but that's like complaining about a steak and lobster dinner when the complimentary peppermint after was stale.
A: This was wild from the get-go and even though small segments of the match were missed due to technical difficulties, I enjoyed this for the most part. I think Brian did a very good job of covering the match as a whole. The table spots were very good, with my favorite being the spot with Mesias spearing Park through the table as he was dancing on it. I felt some of the steam come out of this in the middle but both guys got a second wind and delivered a decent finish. I noticed that picture too. I can’t imagine Park walking into Sears with his title belts and ring gear asking for a poster and a few wallet inserts. Fun match here, best thing on the show besides the trios match with the clowns.
8. Dr. Wagner Jr. vs. Rob Van Dam - A: 4 B: 4
A: It’s no secret that RVD is one of my favorite wrestlers. This however was probably one of the worst RVD main event matches I’ve ever seen. I kept waiting for either guy to snap out of their funk and show me something really nice but they didn’t. RVD had at least 2-3 botches and Wagner was just lightly bumping for RVD’s tired offense. Speaking of Wagner, the only good looking offensive move he had was the Orton DDT on a chair to finish. This also brings something to mind, are there no rules in any of these matches or am I missing something because using a chair in front of a referee would be a DQ, would it not? Only reason this gets a “4” was because I thought it was just a bit better than the Jarrett match from earlier.
Brian: These guys are both passed their prime, difference being, RVD is doing the exact same shtick from a decade ago, Wagner has been able to evolve and still have fresh, interesting matches throughout that span of time. They say the eyes are windows into the soul and if so Wagner looks haunted with big, glassy, spooky eyes like those found in a Halloween decoration you put on the porch to stare at kids. This reminds me of when TNA sent talent to Japan for the big Tokyo Dome show and RVD plugged in his same, tired formula versus Yano with insipid results. Wagner surviving a Five Star Frog Splash with a chair on his chest felt like a big deal to me seeing as how just the other night I watched Van Dam beat Benoit clean with it at SummerSlam '02. I actually liked this a bit more than I expected to, it would have made decent filler on the middle of a card, but I was perplexed why it was the main event. Jessie on the phone suggested to me AAA probably wanted one of their own to go over to end the show which makes sense yet still feels odd following a major title change and blood feud. The finish was flatter than a week-old Wild Cherry Pepsi with Wagner doing a rope-hung DDT onto a chair and the ref doing the slowest count ever. After all the other chair interplay this didn't seem particularly devastating. It would have been nice to see Wagner get a clean victory using something trademark like the Dr. Driver or La Escalera.