In honor of my tenth No Prom Date review, I decided to dig through the musical archives of some good friends of the site, the Waffle Mafia, to select a prom & wrestling related song to accompany this piece. Here it is, previously unreleased, I believe, for your enjoyment. It's titled "Gail Kim Equals Prom Date".
1) HHH v. Batista (Hell in a Cell, Vengeance 2005)- 7
Batista as Darkseid in a Justice League film? Anybody? He's got the shoulders, he's definitley old enough, althought I'm still not sure how he got Kate Moss' hips. Here we have the finale of the long running feud between these two with Dave's big face turn. Expectations were quite low coming into this, but the match proved leaps and bounds better than anyone's wildest fantasies. First off, Dave brought more stiffness than normal here, he usually doesn't lay anything in but here he looked extra motivated. Trips was also with it here, throwing stiff leathery taped up soupbones all night long. I think this was Dave's real coming out party, not his premature ejaculation at Mania that year. Trips came with the massive Puerto Rican bladejob halfway through. The strange thing about this one is that the cage wasn't really part of the story. Neither one of these guys' were running from a fight, Trips had help from Flair during this period but that was nothing Dave couldn't handle. They both wanted to hurt each other, so the Cell is a strange stipulation to go to, I think this would have been fine as a Last Man Standing or something. They pulled out a barb wire steel chair halfway in, which you're thinking, "These two protected she-men? You know that's some rubber tipped shit." And you think that until the first shot goes into Dave's back and you can see the little blood bubbling up all over his tatted up massive Berlin Wall-like back. And then that's when the match hooks you. They do a bunch of chair spots, DDT's, overhead shots, lots of really fun wire stuff that makes you want to see some WING shit from back in the day. Both guys have gaping wounds on their heads and they never turn down the intensity. You could argue that Dave makes his own finish look like a fuck up, but then you'd have to slap that same warning on almost every one of his matches, they had some good near falls at the end to, leading to the finish and Trips eats another big slice of that humble pie. Excellent match, not really a true Hell in a Cell but a barbaric encounter nonetheless.
2) Quicksilver & Scorpio Sky v. Chris Bosh & Scott Lost (PWG 2nd Anniversary Show, July 9, 2005; NO DQ Match)- 4
Not sure why the faces need a manager- he doesn't add anything to this match at all. Both teams have some unique offense that I haven't seen employed in the double team manner and I like that. I'm kind of digging Lost- he has some skills in the selling dept and some unique moves that work here, ex. a running spear into a pin where he folds over with a bridge. The crowd is heatless though, for both the heels and the faces. Bosh needs work, his fatty physique and his non-expressive face may as well be sitting in the crowd from my chair. This has some pacing issues as well, the heels while on offense keep the match slow and methodical, but so do the faces? Aren't they supposed to be some kind of extension of a Luchadore team with quick flying moves? Not at all. There's a devastating sunset flip bomb to the floor with bad lighting near the end. There's a big dive sequence at the end that sucks worse than the concession food in that little arena. This match went on way too long- there was a big interference section from a bunch of shitheels, Quicksilver gets taken to back and it essentially becomes a handicap match that keeps going and going, completely losing me in the process. Slow ass small package like grandpa used to do gets the win.
3) Sgt. Krueger & Col. Deklerk v. Kahlua & Botswana Beast (WCW Clash of the Champions XIII- Thanksgiving Thunder)- 1
There's a lot going on here for such a shitty toilet bug of a match- this is the finals of the tournament to see who gets in the International Tag Tourney as the African Team Rep. so it's a real power struggle between the African countrymen and the African militia. I've actually reviewed the show that tourney is on (Starrcade 1990) so I know that the Steiners beat the militia's asses soundly but what we have here is a trainwreck of 4 men who have never even met and it shows. Can't believe this aired on TV. Krueger is just a sloppy brawler and Deklerk thinks he's in Tijauna the way he's back flipping and cartwheeling around the ring. Kahlua is a sloppy guy in Hammer shorts who's had one too many cheeseburgers and Botswana Beast (who I believe was in World Class or USWA at one point) looks like a damn serial killer. Botswana keeps using the powerslam over and over again and his selling to set up the finish is horrendous, he simply stands in the ring and takes 2 pansy flying ax handles from Krueger as the finish. Nothing even set them up, Beast just got up and stood there. the best moment in the match is when he enters and stares down the good Sgt. like he's about to rip his head off. I was cracking up out loud at some of the screw ups here and for a hearty chuckle, seek this out yourself- if your not in a comedy mood, fast forward to the main event and see Flair and Butch Reed get real physical with chops and meaty punches.
4) Ultimate Warrior v. Rick Rude (WWF Title Match- Saturday Night's Main Event 04/28/90)- 4
This was Rude when he got the short haircut, just like he was depicted on the old NES game WWF Wrestling Challenge- loved that one. Anyways, we were discussing that Warrior's instincts are still way off, attacking Rude with punches, then just leaving him standing there as he runs into the ropes while Rude sells like he doesn't know what's going on, and he's Warrior's best career opponent, unless you count Barry Horowitz. Rude barely took control at all here, just enough to keep audience interested in Warrior's meager comeback. There were some bad looking moves, but Rude is a bumper and did so just enough to make this passable. Heenan interfered and got bumped around in a snazzy sport coat in a DQ finish. Surprisingly this opened the show and while it wasn't the best Championship match I can remember, it did have a frenetic energy that's always good to start a show off with.
5) Davey Richards v. PAC (ROH Manhattan Mayhem II)- 7
Man, this was from last August and Davey Richards impressed the hell out of me here, so there's no telling how good he's going to be now coming back from NOAH. Everything he did worked for his character and to the strength of this match. Two perfect styles going against each other, PAC is the high flyer and bumper and Richards is the little human bomb, ready to explode with kicks, power moves and a killer kimora lock. Davey did a great job going back to the armlock consistently and wearing PAC down, the story is almost that Richards knows he's going to win, he just has to find a way to break this kid down and beat him. High spots galore, including PAC's ultra impressive backwards hurricanrana. All of Richards' little short forearms and elbows are so great at transitioning into other spots and they are stiff. PAC really captivated the crowd by playing perfect babyface in harm to Richards, whose only major flaw at this point was his movement inside the ring, still very awkward and hunched over, but he was in perfect control of the match. This wasn't so much as Richards leading but both men moving in perfect harmony for a common cause. Richards eventually gets the tap out in a stellar bout.
6) Ric Flair v. Hollywood Hogan (WCW Title, Uncensored 99 Steel Cage Razor Wire First Blood I Quit.....what the fuck is the stip of this?)- 2
On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd recommend you seeing this match as strongly as a 2. It's that shitty and it's the main event of this long, overbooked PPV. First off, why throw all of these extra stipulations in? Probably to mask the lazy work both men will put forth here. Flair gets busted open within the first 5 minutes, pretty badly, negating the 1st Blood stip. Hogan randomly gets the ref to give him a count on the ground, which he clearly didn't earlier in the match. And it finally ends after a bunch of stupid interference on the outside, dear God have mercy on Arn Anderson's soul for participating. He knows not what he does. Hogan sold the final weapon shot like he was trying to sit down in a beanbag chair, falling about 4 inches to the ground. Flair was so obvious in setting up his cage shots he practically fell into Hogan's arms. I saw a couple chops that worked, but that's about it. I know these guys collected a fat check for a big pile of cow manure they produced. Hope they wasted it on cell phones for their kids or prostitutes that had crabs.
7) Chris Hero v. Chad Collyer (MLW Reload Night 2- 01/09/04)- 3
This was perfectly fine for what it was, which seemed to be an enhancement match for Hero. Good, clean matwork took up the first part of this and made the most sense. I think Collyer has made a longer career out of being a Dean Malekno than Dean Malenko had. He does a half-hearted plancha outside that didn't make much sense. A lot of Hero's offense has virtually no impact, just makes the guy do a flat back bump. Didn't drag on too long, which was a bonus, because it didnt' need to. Hero has some really outrageous facials.
8) Shawn Michaels v. Chris Jericho (Last Man Standing Match, Raw 11/10/08)- 4
These two guys have had some of the best matches in WWE of the year, or at least some of the most heated with best storyline. This felt like a partial birth abortion of some of those matches. Filled with goofy antics utilizing the United Kingdom Raw set complete with old gas pumps and vintage buggies. HBK even broke out an old Stone Cold spot using the camera crane. All in all, while their chemistry is still clearly evident this was a poor excuse for the finale to this downright awesome feud. The near counts were decent but even they weren't done as well as most of the LMS matches. Some of the more insulting spots were Jericho being tossed off a stage oh, about 2 foot high where he runs it off like he's skidding through a field of wet grass and his "bump" looked like he was treding water into the shallow end of a local pool. Michaels hits an elbow from a ladder that for all and intents and purposes was as easygoing as those old harmonica players from the opening of "Chapelle's Show." JBL interfering in the end I could do without but the finish was timed well with Jericho eating a superkick while Michaels got bashed with a chair. Disappointing for the level of work these two are capable of.