Starrcade '87- Chi-Town Heat

Ah, tis the night as dreary as the flower's lowering gaze is the mediocre forearms of the Duke of Luger, and the stroll beneath the moonlight, with bated breath and heavy petting, the tonsils swishing about like Flouride in the mouths of Babydoll and Jimmy Jam, the way the moon fits it's perfect crescent inside the bald globe of AA, once the eyes have seen the wonder that is Flair, and we all cream jeans.

1 Freebirds/ Sting v. Eddie Gilbert/ Rick Steiner/ Larry Zybyzsko- 5
This match had me perplexed, as much as the graveyard scene from "Easy Rider." It had a pace, a face beatdown with all the heels getting in their very heely offense, then a massive Sting comeback, but then it keeps going?! But not anywhere important. PS Hayes gets himself over with a comeback too, like the kid in class who wanted a turn so desperately. Then, it never ends. We get a 15 minute draw- and everyone's protected. It was a wild ass match too; and Gilbert and Steiner's tights were outlandish- like Zybyzsko selling a DDT.

2 Barry Windham v. Steve Williams- 3
These are two of my absolute favorites in the business, at least Windham in my top 10, but I'll be damned if this didn't blow chunks. It wasn't the wrestling per se, it was the structure of the match. First off, it was face vs. face and they were being super gentlemanly about the whole thing (ie shaking hands, helping each other in the ring), but the fans shit all over it like Bruiser Brody used to do to little Puerto Rican honeys before he was shanked. Then, Doc takes a groin shot and milks it; Windham takes a car crash bump outside, then gets back in and rolled up. Super quick and not worthy of being done.

3 Midnight Express v. Rock n' Roll Express (Skywalker match)- 5
I give this a five only due to the fact that it was stiff and they tried to make an impossible circumstance work in their favor. The Skywalker is a huge scaffold above the ring, that's probably at best 4 feet wide and you have four guys on top of it. Much can't be done unless you have the power of the Force. But, they punched hard and used a tennis racket better than Andre Agassi could ever do, even in the bedroom with Brooke Shields. Bubba and Morton had a standoff at the end, and Morton gave him a cup check that doubled the big bruiser over.

4 Nikita Koloff v. Terry Taylor- 4
There wasn't much substance in this match.
Nikita surprisingly worked Taylor over with wear down moves the whole time, but near the end, it was he who was sweating heavy like Ed Leslie passing through a metal detector at the airport (heard he was delayed for possibly smuggling metal on a plane or planning a terrorist attack- he had a cavity search conducted, but he said it was nothing compared to the way Hogan had handled him over the years.) Some stupid interference ended it and Nikita hit his pansy ass Russian Sickle. He also spout out some Mayan in the middle of the match to help Mel Gibson promote his new movie. Don’t scoff; he'll take all the help he can get.

5 Road Warriors v. Tully Blanchard/ Arn Anderson- 5
This match had potential and it played out exactly as I thought it would, just like every celebrity marriage and the plan for the war in Iraq: fell apart. Arn and Tully started playing the scared, plaything pussies that the Warriors love them to be, but the match never really gained any steam. Add a Dusty finish, and you have a big old mess on your hands, like Gene Okerlund's diaper.

6 Lex Luger v. Dusty Rhodes( Cage)- 6
Rhodes and Luger was a great offering, not without it's problems but stayed mostly off the steel. They had some tremendous near falls and Luger was pretty mobile in his younger days. Dusty even took a bump or two, go figure.

7 Ronnie Garvin v. Ric Flair (Cage)- 8
I fell in love with 80's wrestling all over again. This is evidence that Flair was the greatest wrestler in the world. He made everyone, even accomplished toughmen like Garvin, look like God's personal bodyguard with a high level of beatdown ability. The chop fests in this match rivaled anything else ever done by the open hand. They used the cage, and effectively, unlike the last match and Flair bled like the sick pig that he is( I read passages from the Missy Hyatt book- the Flair shots were the tamest in the accounting of the world class dick sucking whore's life) I didn't like the ending, even though I remembered it from days long gone by in my youth when I used to rent this tape from the local mom and pop video store. A tremendous main event for a so-so teetering on lame duck show.