Tuesday, January 8, 2013

CZW Cage of Death 14

CZW Cage of Death 14: Shattered Dreams 12/8/12

1. 4-Loco (Alex Colon, Azriel, and Bandido Jr.) vs. Nation of Intoxication (Danny Havoc, Devon Moore, and Lucky 13) - Ultraviolent Insanity Match - 7
2. Rich Swann vs. Shane Strickland - 4

One of the best opening matches of any show in 2012.  Just the sort of sheer violent spectacle you don't find anywhere else.  The number of brutal, potentially life-threatening bumps and amount of carnage was outrageous.  The gimmick was reminiscent of a TLC match just with the added bonus of scaffolds and willingness to maim.  Really the sort of stunt show craziness that doesn't lend itself to the written word but here's my two favorite moments: the unreal landing when Danny Havoc took a German suplex with a steel ladder wrapped around his skull, I'm surprised his head didn't pop off, the sort of thing that makes you wear down the rewind button on your remote, and secondly, Lucky's nutty 450° splash off the scaffold through a ringside table.  

Havoc gets destroyed by a German suplex while wearing a ladder necklace

Next match was built as a "Battle for Aerial Supremacy" and worked as a grudge match.  Sort of fun but marred by some sloppy, dicey moments, still there were a handful of suitably painful bumps like Swann splattering on the concrete after a somersault to the floor that Shane evaded, and a late match powerbomb onto an open steel chair by Rich.  Strickland at times looked greener than Shrek's taint but the more traveled Swann mostly kept it on the tracks.

3. Greg Excellent and Momma Excellent vs. Dreg Gulak and Kimber Lee - 1

4. Sami Callihan vs. Adam Cole - No Holds Barred Falls Count Anywhere Match - 5

"Holy shit!  Holy shit!"

Greg's "mother" looks like she just got done working a shift at the greasy diner Roseanne had a job at.  Your mileage out of the comedy here may vary but I thought it was rubbish.  Real weird spot where Greg and Momma each put their hands down their own respective tights, rub their junk, and rub said hand in their opponents' faces.  That's not even the odd part.  Then, Momma grabs Greg's ball sweat drenched palm and licks it!  Then he licks Momma's crusty cunt coated hand!  Not just bizarre but incestuous.  Colt Cabana makes a surprise appearance to challenge Greg for April -- bring the banana peels and Groucho Marx masks.  Next match was good but gets special consideration for a moment we'll get to in a second.  These guys are both WWE bound I'd imagine if the talent scouts have any foresight and sense.  Another physical encounter although the staging in-between spots kept things moving sort of clunky like your high school ex-girlfriend trying to drive stick shift, more than enough running fast off the ropes spots with thigh-slapping for volume kick offensive bursts to last me awhile.  The moment that popped me though was right at the end.  Callihan had been promising in the weeks building up to make this night "Cage of Defecation" and he didn't disappoint dumping out a big pile of shit out of a Walmart bag onto a steel chair in the ring and giving Cole a powerbomb into the rancid feces.  I wanted to start a "This is wrestling!" chant by my lonesome in the living room but instead just laughed heartily.

5. Blk-Out (Ruckus and BLK JEEZ) vs. OI4K (Jake and Dave Crist) - NA

It's breaking down! Wait, isn't that TNA's Rashad Cameron?

Next up was a New Jack in-ring promo which of course I watched as any time that man has a microphone or a camera on him it's golden.  I very rarely bust out the "NA" score but this wasn't a match.  Pre-match BLK JEEZ got into it with some tubby rube in the crowd and security intervened.  At that point I was eating it up as pure old school heel shtick.  Then we got 2-3 min. of wrestling that was slowly pulling me in when things got ballistic.  I'm sure this was 95% angle but it was still chaotic and intriguing.  First the wrestlers started jawing and pawing at each other, then started rolling around in an angry heap, security got involved, then wrestlers were fighting with security, fighting with ringside fans, plainclothes personnel, etc. just an extended riot at ringside that disrupted the show and effectively ended the match before it even really got going.

Clean up on aisle Fuck You

6. AR Fox vs. Mystery Opponent (Robert Anthony) - 6

Next match was another pitting two guys that you would imagine are on all the talent scout's radars.  Anthony had a really solid run over in Billy Corgan's vanity co. last year and Fox is one of the smoothest flyers in the world (which I can attest to after seeing him live).  Really fun match, this stuff would have been revolutionary in the mid-'90's in the States, a nice hybrid of impressive athletic stuff with strong pacing and enticing physicality.  Guys really stepped up.  Fox has some aerial moves that are so nutty they don't make any sort of conceptual sense but still blow your mind.  My favorite is Air Fox which sees a downed cornered opponent (usually against the turnbuckles or in this case the guardrail) get absolutely crushed by a running shooting star press (more of a cannonball).  It lands like a 180lbs. of pig entrails being shot out of a high-powered canon.  Another notable spot was Robert killing AR on a running powerbomb into the crowd!  Usually you can call spots with plants (people feigning not being involved i.e. poor actors) but this seemed completely authentic seeing as how everyone cowered completely not catching (or even trying to) Fox who got tossed into a sea of virgins, basement dwellers, and worse, forum trolls.  Moments of this were as intricate as the set in Jacques Tati's Playtime.

7. MASADA vs. Drake Younger - 4

Drake Younger gets dropped head-first onto the legs of a chair

Younger really has gotten into tremendous shape.  I'd briefly entertained the thought of getting into wrestling as a youngster and watching guys like MASADA make me glad I didn't as he has no qualms taking liberties with people.  Slower-paced than you'd imagine, leant more to a "big fight" feel, but didn't pack on enough drama in the last act to really feel like a major championship match.  A lot of the offense was chair-based so we saw a bunch of chairs used to jump off of, bash each other with, or as evidenced by the photograph above, to drop your opponent haphazardly on.  If you've seen these guys bump bigger or work harder before this isn't going to impress.  Post-match was grotesque as Christina Von Eerie jams about 50 skewers into MASADA's skull then hammers them a few inches in so they assuredly tickle his disturbed brain.

This is your brain on hardcore wrestling

8. D.J. Hyde vs. "Bulldozer" Matt Tremont - Shattered Dreams Cage of Death Match - 5

Hyde is pretty much universally loathed (see image below of me chopping him -- I also slammed a chair down on him earlier that evening) as a scumbag boss, inflated ego, obtuse asshole.  Pretty much makes this a readymade plot as you've got a terminator with blood on his mind against the oppressive boss that the crowd wants to see beaten, sodomized, or worse.  Tremont is certifiably nuts -- seeing him in-person I was astounded at how hard he hits and unmerciful he is.  The CoD changes design every year this time many of its sections were replaced with huge panes of glass (hence the "Shattered Dreams" title).

"Bulldozer" coming out of the rafters with a frog splash on Hyde who was underneath a glass table

They started shattering glass early and often covering the ring with a fine layer of shards leaving carnage in their wake like Godzilla stomping through Tokyo.  Lots of crazy stunt show bumps but a story thread running through the mayhem and kudos to both guys for the blood loss and physical sacrifice.  My favorite suicidal spots are both shown in snapshots above and below -- both featuring death-defying plunges from off of the top of the cage.

Death Valley Driver off of the cage onto a stack of glass panes? You sick freaks!

I've only seen about half of the Cage of Death matches (something I plan to remedy soon -- more on that later) but this wouldn't rank toward the top.  For my money Team Ultraviolence vs. Hi-V from CoD V: Suspended and Callihan vs. Havoc from CoD XI are the best.  The first stretch felt a bit simple with not enough emphasis put on the damage being dished out but the excitement picked up a bit in the final stanza with some outrageous spectacles.  Order the show here from CZW and you won't be disappointed -- I'm still getting caught up on some Chikara, PWG, ROH, etc. releases from last year but offhand this is one of the better independent events of the year bar none.

Me knocking the shit out of D.J. Hyde at CZW Prelude to VIolence 2012


Anonymous said...

WWE telent scouts don't have foresight or sense unfortunately. Word is they wanted Callihan, but wanted him to change his personality and appearance-that is, the parts of him that really make him stand out.

Brian said...

@Anonymous: I mean, can you imagine Sami as the third member of The Shield (sorry, Tyler)? He'd bring an unhinged intensity that'd really make that program pop. Hell, I'd even love to see Sami in little 3-4 min. TV matches weekly with guys like Primo and Darren Young cause you know he'd go balls out in any situation.