TNA iMPACT! 3/20/08

Like a plane crash survivor surveying a prairie for sustenance, coming upon some elephant dung and squeezing the animal's aromatic, plentiful droppings for any liquid they may contain to starve off dehydration, I searched my apartment for something to satisfy my craving for wrestling. I discovered this putrid mess of programming, lying atop a ticket for a one-way flight to Mbudya Island. Was this a dream? Nay. A fucking nightmare.

1. Scott Steiner and Petey Williams vs. Kaz and Eric Young - 2

This starts off with Petey running into armdrags like a man fleeing a burning building -- looks stupider than his perpetually wet hair. Steiner sells leg kicks by Kaz like a guy who woke up in the middle of the night to take a piss only to walk barefoot on his son's Hot Wheels. Kaz reversed a "Canadian Destroyer" attempt with, well, Wikipedia was no thanks, but according to their database an "back to belly piledriver", which looked devastating. Black Reign mumbles some non-sequitor distracting Young, leading to Steiner climbing up and hitting a "Samoan drop" from the top for the win.

2. Tomko vs. Rhino - 2

AJ Styles interference lead to a shitty clothesline (as called by Don West although it appeared more like running forearm) by Tomko to finish Rhino. Afterwards, Styles hides like a child underneath his bed beneath the ring. Bad match, lots of pointless punching and "power" stuff with no emphasis on story progression.

There's a bad vignette with Jay Lethal and So Cal Val at an expensive seafood restaurant. I'm guessing later that night at the hotel if fish was also on the menu Jay had a heaping helping of "red snapper". Zing!

3. Sonjay Dutt vs. Homicide - 1

Within the first minute Dutt severely botches a springboard and lands on his face. Much to my chagrin it was scripted, as Homicide stands around looking confused, more so than normally, leading to Dutt getting the cheap roll-up victory. Post-match Hernandez killed Dutt with a sick "Border Toss" that helped erase the memory of the shitty match that preceded it.

4. AJ Styles vs. Booker T - 4

AJ was selling good early, lots of wobbly leg curtsying around, etc. Styles went for a splash in the corner but Booker escaped, leading to AJ selling it like a marionette dangling around precociously like the guy controlling it had all the strings tied to his erect phallus. This was Booker before his histrionics became too over the top for his own good, later resembling a character guffawing through a Benny Hill sketch, here he seemed moderately focused. Styles was, for some reason, distracted by Sharmell spanking Payton Banks at ringside, although he had no vested storyline interest in either, leading to a terribly sloppy roll-up by Booker to end it.

5. Velvet Sky and Angelina Love vs. ODB and Gail Kim - 2

Love and ODB did a double kip-up that was only slightly less self-indulgent than Rob Van Dam and Jerry Lynn's old mutual appreciation trope. The Beautiful People did not yet have their heel roles mastered, as they later would, wearing mostly all-black and not playing up their perceived superiority enough. Things started falling apart quickly towards the end, with ODB winning with a rather bland powerslam on Sky.

Next, Kurt Angle did an in-ring sparring session where he worked over four dudes. This was done in a fashion similar to MMA, but, anybody who knows anything about the sport would find that assertion laughable. Of note, however, is the second guy Angle schooled was Jon Davis of the Dark City Fight Club, and lastly, the fourth guy, was DCFC member Kory Chavis, who got the worst beating of all by eating a bunch of unanswered Angle forearms smashes on the ground right in the fucking face.

6. Team 3-D vs. Christian Cage and Rhino - 3

What have I done to deserve a second Rhino match on one show? That's just cruel you bastards. Brother Devon sells better than this match deserved as Rhino was on auto-pilot and Cage's offense stirred little to no emotion from the passive audience. Why did Rhino hardly leave the ground when goring Brother Ray? "Man, I want to tackle you so badly that I'm going to -- well, shit, nevermind!" Then the diarrhea starts dripping down on us, the viewers, like a waterfall spouting venom not entirely unlike the viscous liquid the boys in the locker room covered Christy Hemme in while she kneeled in the showers. You're probably thinking, "Damn, Brian, where is your sick mind taking us?" But worry not, pals, what I've refrained from telling us is this ended up as a big, fucking brouhaha with interference from Styles, Tomko, Nash, Shark Boy, Curry Man, and the Motor City Machine Guns.

So, maybe I shouldn't have built a raft out of bamboo to stay afloat? Maybe I should have closed my eyes. But, what's been seen cannot be unseen. I'll live to tell the tale. Now leave this old survivor alone, you damn kids, get off my lawn, and take your DX Army memorabilia with you!