No Prom Date #12- NEW AND IMPROVED

subtitled: Misawa is Love

BIGGER MARGINS! BOLDER COLORS! THICKER CUTS OF BEEF! TONS MORE FREEBIES! EVEN MORE GIRLS IN WET SUPER MARIO T-SHIRTS! AND WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED!

subtitled: I found the Caps Lock Button

to start this new edition, I bring you a match that was thought previously to be impossible, featuring two men I usually completely loathe

1) Shane Douglas v. Justin Credible (ECW Cyberslam 98)- 5

Oh there's nothing like a good profanity laced promo in the morning. In case we forgot who the Andrew Dice Clay of the wrestling world was, here's Douglas to remind us, by seeing how many times he can say "pussy ass mother fucker" in 4 minutes. This match actually has some intensity to it, something neither guy is known for. Here's a fun game: grab a gallon of milk and chug every time someone takes a nasty shot with a kendo stick, you'll be puking in no time. This has your usual perfunctory outside interference from carpet muncher Francine and slutty slut Dawn Marie in a cat fight, as well as Jason, the Sexiest guy in a neck brace. But it also has really good punching and fun brawling that the crowd is really into. Styles is useful behind the mic not only to dish out catchphrases galore but to put over a match like this that normally people would turn the channel from. Can't really say why I liked it so much, maybe because I was programmed to despise it. Besides some with Lynn, this is my favorite Credible match.

2) Victoria (c) v. Gail Kim v. Trish Stratus v. Lita (Women's Title- Bad Blood 2004)- 4

Arguably the 4 best divas WWE ever produced, ( I said arguably, Caryn Mower, arguably.) Trish as a heel found her niche in promos, but couldn't convey it in the ring. Fans cheered her the same despite the heel fin they booked for her. Nobody really got a chance to shine, match probably went 6 minutes, that being said Victoria and Gail mixed it up quite well. These women deserve major props for coming up with innovative offense that's wholly devastating while being conducive to the women such as the Widow's Peak (which is non-stop badness) and Gails' tarantula armbar. I'm still completely bored with Lita, despite her Hardy-centric offense. I was actually in this crowd and I don't remember popping for this match but most people liked it. Sure didn't when it came to that overdrawn, overblown, overbooked and overdone main event.

3) Chuck "the Iceman" Lidell v. Vernon "Tiger" White- 5

I love to see the look on a guy's face when he thinks he's got a fight in the bag; Lidell was wearing it like an ascot before the ref even told them to fight. White's style was kind of haphazard but it was throwing Lidell off, getting caught with punches on the side of the face, kicks to the back, weird shit that was hitting at odd angles really threw him off. Loved how Rogan kept saying White's name including the nickname every time: "Vernon Tiger White is really tough, Mike. If I ever called up Vernon Tiger White to go out to dinner, i'd be like, Hey Vernon Tiger White, you want to HIT up some BK on Friday? Two fish for $3!" Lidell finally, errantly put White down with a shot designed to keep him off Lidell's ass. Still exciting despite it's sloppiness.

4) Jerry Lawler v. Tracey Smothers (Memphis Power Pro May '98)- 3

Greasy Smothers is YOUR spokesman for all things hardcore when he says this: "ECW and hardcore is what's hot and Memphis and WWF is what's not!" You tell him, Pistol! Lawler looks really bloated, as if a vein is backed up. Punches still juicy though. Smothers tries to mess with Stacy, some young thing at Lawler's side, take a number honey. You have to love Lawler in home territory where Smothers can use knucks and pull tights and still can't get the win. This was a fun sleazy way to kill 4 minutes.

5) Konnan v. Eric Young (TNA Impact on FSN, April 2005)- 2

K-dawg is dressed in his prison best. He's so damn immobile it's pretty sad. Young has good heel charisma, just singing that Canadian anthem over and over again and relishing in it's repetitive ridiculousness. He takes all these big bumps, like spinebusters and Splash Mountain bombs and just folds his body in half for Konnan's putrid old ass. He wouldn't even go into the ropes; you know it's bad when a guy won't even sit down on a sunset flip! This was pathetic, no wonder Vince never saw them as competition running this garbage. Young still has never been utilized correctly.

6) Freebirds v. Midnight Express (Finals of NWA Tag Title Tournament)- 5

I was stoked for this match but both teams were gassed after really exciting 1st round matches. Hmm, maybe i should have reviewed those. Anyways, Cornette was taken out pre-match with a "loaded" racket that had a horsehoe taped inside of it. Almost as scary as seeing Paul E. in a tank top was Jimmy Jam's headlock control section. Another problem was Midnights were supposed to be newly crowned faces and we're getting booed pretty heavily. The Birds did all they could to swing the fans and I think by the end they did the job. Loved some of the MX's tag moves, especially the trip with Eaton's vicious flying elbow. Their timing is bar none with most tag teams I've seen. Competitive and fun match but would like to see it with both teams at full strength.

7) CM Punk v. Rey Mysterio (Smackdown! 06/19/09)- 5

Some things I noticed (some are pretty apparent to everyone); Titles mean nothing unless someone with a name has them. They're being devalued same as when they are pushed: I C belt hasn't meant shit in a long time, Jericho and Rey have a feud and it's on every PPV, but at the same time, Jericho (on commentary) talks about going after World Belt. Remember when IC was good enough? JR and Jericho talk over Punk's ring entrance. Rey works over the leg (which everybody on the show did?) then goes for a wheelbarrow move? That makes as much sense as giving Perez Hilton a microphone. I hated the way Punk set himself up for the 619, granted, visually the move is cool, but technically I'm not a big fan; you have to set yourself up in a way that never happens unless you're wrestling Rey jr. Rey is holding this one together, Punk works well with him, but I do'nt think he's the optimum opponent for the straight edge superstar. Go 2 Sleep doesn't look awesome on Rey; you feel bad for him that Punk is doing such a punishing move, like you would a cute puppy or little child. Jericho interferes while being tripped up in his words from Jim Ross, okay was he supposed to save Rey or be his salvation? Which is it?

8) Dynamite Kid v. Tiger Mask II- 5

Problem I had with this match is it never left first gear; Misawa looked terribly uncomfortable in the getup and Kid was roided to the gills. Loved the snap every move had, a trademark in a Dynamite singles match and there were a couple of good spots to stand up and clap for, like Misawa missing a pescado which, I could tell, HURT REAL BAD! Then a suplex over the ropes lead to the CO finish it had. This didn't have any of the personality of a Kid-TM match or the crazy spots, like I said they never got warmed up before it ended.

9) AJ Styles/ Christopher Daniels v. Jay Lethal/ Chris Sabin (NWA Tag Titles, UWF/TNA House show Sep 06)- 6

If you go to a house show and get a match this quality, you've got your money's worth. As far as the effort and hard work put in, this was top notch. Wrestled like a TNA ppv match w/o any tables, glass, run-ins, swerves, mouse traps or any "reverse rules". AJ is such an all star- he doesn't relent on his strikes because there's only 150 people watching, he still goes full tilt against Sabin in a great armdrag exchange, similar to Sasuke-Taka from M-Pro back in '97. Sabin had the lone botched spot of the night, getting hit with a hiptoss but instead of going to the next move, he landed painfully on his neck and stared up at Daniels like a turtle on his back. Loved how the camera was so close you got to almost feel the action; Lethal's jaw seperating from AJ's pinpoint dropkick could have been your jaw had you been closer to your TV set. The champions wrestle with confidence, but you could see a little hesitance in Lethal/Sabin's performance even though they were going for big stuff. Only thing that really bothered me is after the requesite dive spot, the ref would let anyone make a cover, legal man was thrown out the window. Didn't like that. You spell the announcer's name who was doing commentary H-I-C-K. Funny thing is, felt like a big match, but nobody had to use all their top shelf stuff, they may have teased it but they didn't blow through their arsenal like most people do in every match nowadays. Definitley worth watching, by far greatest thing on this show. Certainly wasn't Kip James trying to pick up underage girls by thrusting his withered crotch at them.

HOPE YOU ENJOYED! MISAWA LOVES EMERALD GREEN! DON'T STOP TILL YOU GET ENOUGH! NEVER HAND OVER! ED MICHAEL'S FIRST FILM COMING SOON!

subtitled: Turn that damn Caps Lock off!